fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
