can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
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