Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
