I don't usually arrange sex via text message
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
