my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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