Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
