If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
