I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
