I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
