apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
