I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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