he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
