why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
