Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
