Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
