there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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