The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
