im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
