When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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