i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
They have beer where we have blood.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Randomize
