I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
