1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
