Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
