I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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