the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
