Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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