I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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