i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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