Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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