Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
