Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he puts the penis in happiness.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
