Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize