Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
