Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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