i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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