I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize