Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Mom said you looked used
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
