Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize