Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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