I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
