Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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