It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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