You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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