It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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