Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
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