What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
