I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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