I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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