tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
