Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
