1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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