I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
