just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
