party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
