u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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