if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You pole danced in your parka.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
