I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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