A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
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